“God loves us!” You’ve probably heard these words many times, haven’t you? I imagine that from God’s perspective, it must have been very painful for Him to love us. As you may know from your own experience, love comes with pain. I believe I’ve experienced this myself while raising my children.

I have two sons. The older one is eighteen, and the younger one is sixteen. During my years serving as an evangelist and a pastor, I wasn’t able to give much attention to my children. Because there was very little time I could devote to my family, I don’t really know how they grew up. Furthermore, I’ve never really sent them to private academies, so they aren’t exactly top students. However, I’ve never worried too deeply about that.

What I expected most from my children was simply this: “I want you to be happy. Just be happy.” Of course, a part of me has certain expectations for them—how I’d like them to be—so naturally, I feel the urge to nag. However, I’m not so sure if doing that truly helps them succeed. I couldn’t guarantee, “If they do exactly as I say, will they really become great people?” Since I felt my own inadequacy like this, I chose to entrust them to God. I relied heavily on the word: “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Because I leaned on the promise, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household,” I was able to raise my children by relying on God to such an extent that others might ask, “How can he be like that?”

But regardless of which parenting method we choose, it seems that pain always accompanies raising children. We especially want the children we love to do well. Their studies? Of course, I’d like them to excel. But what can we do if they just don’t? I also wished they would read many books. I loved reading when I was young, but my children don’t care for it much. I even took them to bookstores often. I’d let them loose and say, “Hey, look at any book you want.” But they would just stand there blankly. They had no interest. Many other kids love books, right? But mine weren’t interested at all, and eventually, I’d find them in the toy section. They would ask me to buy them toys at a bookstore! I thought, “Ah… this isn’t exactly the image.” But then again, does life ever really go exactly as we plan?

My older son told me that he experienced the “jungle” at school back in the sixth grade. Since I didn’t have much time to talk with him then, I didn’t know at the time. Later on, he put it this way: “School was a jungle. I had to learn survival strategies just to survive.” On the other hand, my younger son seems to have excellent survival skills. He’s naturally very sociable and friendly. However, rather than being a rule-follower, he’s full of curiosity about new things. That makes it quite easy for him to get into trouble.

Then one day, I received a call from the School Violence Committee regarding my younger son. They told me that as a parent, I had to attend. Now, what is the School Violence Committee? In the past, if kids fought at school, a teacher would mediate or scold them, and they’d just go home crying—but it’s not like that anymore. Nowadays, parents report these incidents directly to the school. If teachers try to step in and mediate, and something goes wrong, it can turn into a major issue. So, teachers who fear such complications often hand the matter over to the School Violence Committee established within the school. Once a report is filed, a hearing must be held. And who is there? Lawyers, police officers, and jurors. Who are the jurors? They are other parents. And those presiding over the committee are the principal or vice-principal. When I arrived on the scheduled date, the accusing student and their parents were not there—this is to ensure both parties do not run into each other. My son and I walked in. There sat the teachers, the police, and the lawyers in a row, with the vice-principal in the center. I sat right in front of them. I was in the position where I had to defend my son.

So, what kind of trouble did my younger son get into? They said he had extorted money. It was hard to believe, wasn’t it? My son isn’t that kind of person, yet they were saying he committed extortion. When I asked him, he insisted that he had absolutely never extorted anything. Then what did he do? He said he just borrowed some money. Why? Because he wanted to buy a cell phone.

I had caught him several times using second-hand phones he had borrowed from his friends. I hadn’t given him a cell phone even though he was already in the eighth grade. I had strictly forbidden him from using one. But there he was, using it anyway. So I took it away. A little while later, however, he’d get caught again with yet another phone. When I asked, “Where did you get this phone?” he would say, “A friend gave me an old phone they weren’t using.” So I’d say, “Confiscated!” and take it away again. But two weeks later, I’d find another one. I have five such confiscated phones at home. Since this kept happening, he eventually decided he wanted to buy an iPhone of his own. But it was quite expensive, and he had no money. When he told his friend about it—she was a girl—she said, “I’ll lend it to you! I have the money.” My younger son is quite popular at school, especially with the girls. So, he said he borrowed the money from her with a promise to pay it back little by little by the end of the year.

However, the girl’s mother checked her bank account. When she asked, “Where did this money go?” the girl replied, “I lent it to a friend.” But the mother’s response was, “Who took this from you?” And that’s how the report was filed. Both my son and the girl denied it, but through the eyes of the adults, it looked different. They thought, “No, he must have used his influence to take it. He’s popular, so she probably felt like she’d be bullied or ostracized if she didn’t lend it to him, right? You were forced to lend it, weren’t you? He threatened you, didn’t he?” And so, the interrogation continued. The lawyers, the police, and the other parents kept firing those kinds of questions. If his mother had been there, she probably would have had a mental breakdown and just ended up crying. But I responded well to each and every question. I didn’t just blindly defend my son; I made sure he took responsibility for what he did wrong. Even I was surprised, thinking to myself, “How could an eighth-grader manage to borrow money like that? He’s certainly going to be someone big someday.”

Throughout the interrogation, my son couldn’t stop crying because the atmosphere was so terrifying. I’m telling this story in a lighthearted way now, but at the time, it felt like being on trial. I felt a tremendous sense of intimidation as I stood before the committee members and tried to explain the situation.

But while I was there, a thought occurred to me. What was it? Every adult in that room, including myself, had only heard stories about this child. Both those adults and I were acting based on what we had heard. Yet, the direction of our questions was completely different. How did they ask their questions? “You used your popularity to borrow that money, didn’t you? Were there other boys standing around you at that time, or not?” They kept asking questions in such a way, trying somehow to frame my son and prove him guilty. What do you think those parents on the jury wanted? What did they want for a child like this? They wanted him gone—expelled from the school. From that perspective, they continued their attack. My son, feeling so wronged and helpless, could do nothing but weep.

That is why I had to defend him well. Usually, when I’m alone with my son, I scold him. I’d say, “How could you do such a thing?” But in that room, strangely enough, I found myself speaking entirely from his perspective. Did I actually see what happened? No, I didn’t see it either. Yet, my stance was so different from everyone else’s. I was speaking from a position of trusting and believing in my child, while the other adults were speaking from a position of attacking him.

What is the reason for this difference? It’s because I am a father who loves this child, and they are not. That is the only difference. Because I love him, I see him in a favorable light. I think of him in a positive direction. Even though I wasn’t there to see it, I defend him as if I had, saying, “My child did this because of such and such reasons.” It’s because I love him. At that moment, I realized, “Ah, when you love someone, you end up thinking well of them. You start to think in a positive direction, interpret things favorably, and take that person’s side.” You simply want to believe in the child. In truth, how do I know if I might be wrong? Yet, that is how I want to believe. And so, I defend my child in that way. In fact, I truly do believe in him.

After the committee’s questioning was over, the vice-principal said, “We will notify you of the results later.” A few days later, the notice arrived. It said, “Not guilty, no charges found.” That was the end of it. What would have happened if he had been found guilty? He would have had to transfer schools. That’s probably why my son was so incredibly tense. Even though it was daytime, when I said, “Let’s go grab some lunch,” he said he didn’t want to eat and just wanted to go home and sleep. He said he had no strength left in his body. I felt that leaving him like that wouldn’t be good. Since I understand the spiritual world well, I knew that if a child sleeps in such a weakened and shocked state, an evil spirit could enter. So, I decided I needed to lift his spirits. I bought him the very thing he had been begging for: “Please buy this for me! Please!” It was a bicycle. There was this specific bike that could roll both forward and backward without brakes, which he had wanted so badly. I finally bought it for him that day.

Now, think about it—buying a gift like that for a kid who just caused all that trouble? That is a father’s heart. Normally, a culprit should be punished, but instead, I gave him the very gift I had been withholding until then. My son was so overjoyed and excited. His face brightened up completely, and after we had lunch together, he regained his energy. So I asked him, “Are you going to go home and sleep now?” He replied, “No! I’m going to go play with my friends!” and off he went to meet them. I’m sure it was great for him, right? It was great for the son, but not so great for the father.

Less than a month after that happened, I received another call. The School Violence Committee was being held again. It wasn’t about the previous matter; it was for a completely different case. Now, should I have to put up with this? Even I, upon hearing this, initially shouted at my son, “Hey! A kid like you should just transfer! You ought to be kicked out of school!” After that, I asked, “What on earth happened this time?” and I found out that the incident had taken place just that morning. The committee was being held that very same afternoon.

So, what happened that morning? There was a group that my son used to ride bicycles with. They called themselves a ‘crew.’ They would ride together all the way to the Han River. But it turned out that one of the boys in the group was smoking. Not only that, he kept pressured the other kids to smoke as well. So my son told him, “Stop smoking. If you keep doing that, our whole group will be seen as a bunch of delinquents.” Then the other boy challenged him, saying, “You want to fight? Go ahead, hit me! Hit me!” And so, my son actually hit him. A fight broke out right then and there, and they were caught on the spot. Since the other boy’s parents reported it because their child had been hit, the School Violence Committee was convened once again.

So, I went there once again. Even though I had spoken harshly to my son before leaving, I knew I had to protect him once we were there. I told them, “My son was only trying to advise his friend to stop smoking, but when the other boy provoked him, he lost his temper and struck him. This was clearly wrong. However, since my son did not intend to cause trouble out of malice, I ask for your leniency. I will make sure to guide and discipline him properly.” Thanks to this, he was cleared of the charges and was released once more.

Ever since those incidents, my son became a person of interest to the teachers, and he actually said school life became more exciting because of it. Since people say kids go through a lot of things like that during their second year of middle school, I just accepted it and moved on. And that is how he has now become seventeen years old.

I believe any parent raising children will go through similar experiences. Do the incidents end there? No, they keep coming. It goes on and on. Especially those of you who have raised boys probably know exactly what I mean. Daughters often listen well to their parents, study hard, and responsibly take care of their own tasks—wouldn’t it be wonderful if my kids were like that, too? In fact, when I was growing up, I received a lot of praise from my parents. My wife was also praised a lot while she was growing up. So, how on earth did such a “mutant” like this end up being born to us?

One day, while searching for something in my younger son’s desk drawer, I opened it and found cigarettes. There were two packs and a lighter. It looked like he had smoked a couple because exactly two cigarettes were missing. If his mother had discovered this, what do you think would have happened? It would have been total chaos. However, I’ve always tried hard to understand things from my child’s perspective, and I think I was a bit better at that than his mother. I took a Post-it note, wrote something on it, and stuck it right on the cigarette pack: “Does it taste good?” After that, I didn’t ask him any questions or say a single word about it. When he came home that night, I just acted as if nothing was wrong. A few days passed like that. He surely must have seen the note. Yet, I made no mention of it at all.

Less than a week had passed when he came to see me. “Dad! I’ve quit smoking. I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again,” he said. So I asked him, “How did it feel to smoke? Did you like it?” He answered, “No. It gave me a headache, and I felt so weak.” I told him, “That’s how it is. Plus, smoking really hinders your growth. There is also a spiritual side to it. When you take a deep drag of a cigarette, a demon slips right in. There’s probably a demon inside you now. What do you think? Should I cast it out for you, or not?” He replied, “Please cast it out.” So I said, “Alright, come here,” and I prayed for him and cast out the demon. “How do you feel now?” I asked. “My head feels so clear!” he said. He hasn’t smoked since that day. But if I had hit him or scolded him then, saying, “You rascal! How can a pastor’s son smoke?” he might still be smoking even now.

As a parent, I often feel the urge to scold them, reach for a rod, or even strike them with my hands. But we are told not to do that. You should never hit a child with your hands. Even if you must use a rod for corporal punishment, you must never use your bare hands. Furthermore, striking a child out of sudden anger is not discipline; it is violence. That is why I always follow a certain process when I discipline them: “Did you do wrong, or not?” “I did wrong.” “Do you think you should be punished, or not?” “I deserve to be punished.” “Then, do you want to be disciplined, or not?” “I do.” “How many strikes?” “Two.” “Go get the rod. Roll up your pants!” That is how the discipline is carried out. Afterward, we pray a prayer of repentance before God. “Lord, this child is repenting. He acknowledged that he deserved punishment and willingly accepted the rod. Please forgive him.” Then I pray a blessing over him. Do you know what the child does after that? Even though he was just punished, he comes to me, says, “Daddy, I love you,” and throws his arms around me.

That is why I don’t view discipline in a negative light. People can easily misunderstand what it means. They might think discipline is simply hitting a child when you’re angry, but that is not discipline at all. I’ve seen mothers strike their children on the head with their hands when they lose their temper. That isn’t discipline; it’s venting frustration and committing an act of violence. It damages the child. We must never do such things. However, when we are angry, that is exactly what we feel like doing. So, where does the strength to refrain from doing that come from? We receive help from God.

My personality has changed a lot as well. There is a world of difference between my life before I knew God and after I came to know Him. What is the root cause that enables me to act this way? It is the fact that “God has forgiven me.” Before God, I am exactly the same as my son. I don’t listen. I break God’s heart. I constantly do the things He told me not to do. Yet, I have lived my life being continuously forgiven. How could someone like me turn around and use violence against my son? I, too, must forgive him.

There were even times like this: while talking to my child, I’d get so angry that my hand would just fly up. But at that exact moment, I’d think, “I must not hit him!” Yet, it felt too awkward to just put my hand back down, so I’d end up praying for him instead. I would lower the hand that was meant to strike and pray, “Lord! You are truly amazing. It is wonderful that You can turn even a child like this into a blessing. Lord, even though he doesn’t study like this, I thank You for guiding his path and for using him preciously!” To do that, I have to constantly suppress my anger and endure. And for that to be possible, there must be peace within me. How is that possible? It is only possible because I am one who has been forgiven, and one who has received grace.

That is why my children love their father. I am so grateful that they communicate so well with us. These days, most kids don’t really talk to their parents, do they? Even though my children aren’t the best students, they talk to us so freely. There are no barriers between us. My son even says to me, “Dad, do you know what other kids are like these days? They slam their bedroom doors shut and don’t come out! Not everyone is like us!”

Interestingly, my children do use honorifics now. However, I never forced them to learn it. When they were young, they always spoke to me casually. Even then, I didn’t teach them to use formal language. There was a reason for this: I discovered that while teaching children to use honorifics has its advantages, it also has certain drawbacks.

I witnessed this myself. A toddler who had just started walking and talking poked a piece of apple with a fork and brought it to his grandfather. He said, “Grandpa, eat the apple!” In that moment, what do you think the grandfather should have said? It would have been wonderful if he had said, “Oh, look at my grandson taking such good care of me. Thank you!” But what came out of his mouth was different: “You should say, ‘Grandpa, please have some!’” The child was scolded. He had expressed his love, only to be rebuked for it. The child burst into tears, and after that, he stopped going to his grandfather. This kind of thing happened repeatedly. “You must say, ‘Please come here!’ You can’t talk to your grandfather like that. You can’t talk to your father like that.” Because he was constantly corrected and scolded in this way, the child began to think, ‘Communicating with people is a scary thing. I might get into trouble.’ He developed a defensive heart. Now, he becomes tense whenever he encounters people.

Human beings are truly beautiful creatures. Because we are created in the image of God, there are all kinds of mysteries hidden within us. We see beauty in a single flower and beauty in a bird flying across the sky—how much more mysterious and wonderful is it, then, to meet a person made in the image of God? Yet, instead of longing for that mystery, people feel fear first. They begin to avoid others. Growing up constantly being told to use formal language, they eventually develop a sense of distance from others and become intimidated. They even start to perceive that “it is okay for those with higher status than me to criticize and lecture me.”

So, when children go to kindergarten and meet others, do you know what the first thing they ask is? They ask, “How old are you?” That’s the starting point. “I’m five!” “Well, I’m six, so call me ‘Eonni’ (older sister)!” This is the first thing they learn. They say, “Why aren’t you using formal language with me?” As a result, they grow up thinking that if they are older, they have the right to give orders to those who are younger. They are simply doing what they were taught. You have no idea how much of a barrier this becomes in human relationships. This behavior extends even into adulthood. When people meet for the first time in society, they ask, “Hello, how old are you?” “I’m twenty-five.” “Oh, really? I’m older than you. I’ll just speak comfortably to you from now on.” It feels offensive, doesn’t it? Then some might even start a fight, saying, “We just met; why are you speaking down to me?” While some people accept it, others can’t. “Why are you speaking so informally to me when we just met?!” “Hey, how dare you talk like that to someone older than you?!” They end up fighting and becoming enemies.

Shouldn’t human relationships be focused on deep and sincere encounters rather than things like age or language hierarchy? That is why I didn’t force honorifics on my children. Why? So that they could speak to me without any walls between us. When they spoke, I focused entirely on the content of what they were saying, listening to everything and responding to it all. Because of that, our communication flourished.

Then one day, when my eldest was seven and the younger was five, they came home from kindergarten and said, “Dad, starting today, we are going to use honorifics!” I replied, “That’s a good idea, but it’s not something you can just do overnight just because you want to.” They insisted, “No, we’re going to do it.” Then they said, “Okay, start!” and immediately said, “Dad, please do this for me.” They have been doing so ever since. It was amazing how they switched to formal language instantly. Now, even at eighteen, they still use honorifics with my wife and me.

But the funny thing is, for most of my children’s friends, it was the exact opposite. Those kids were taught honorifics early on and used them well, but as soon as they entered middle school, they all switched to informal language. My son tells me that among his friends, there are practically none who use formal language with their parents. Isn’t that strange? If they were trained so strictly, you would expect it to last, but instead, they stop doing it once they hit middle school. It’s because those children don’t truly respect their parents.

Instead, a gap has formed between parents and children. Walls have been built. Children end up saying, “Adults just don’t understand,” and they only hang out with their own peers. Korea is a country with a very severe generation gap. People only associate within their own age groups: middle schoolers with middle schoolers, young adults with young adults, the middle-aged with the middle-aged, and the elderly with the elderly. It is a nation with very little intergenerational exchange. This has even become a serious social issue.

Unfortunately, the same thing happens within the church. When we try to bring different generations together, it doesn’t work well. Why? Because those in higher positions of seniority constantly try to give orders to those below them. And because there’s an expectation that younger people should naturally use formal language and show deference, things get stuck. Progress is hindered. That is why even churches divide groups into young adults, middle-aged, and seniors—and then further subdivide them by their 30s, 40s, and 50s. They do this just to get things functioning. In other words, this means the dialogue between generations has been severed, which is truly heartbreaking.

God wants to have a conversation with us. But for that to happen, we need to be on the same page. In the past, during the era of the Law, it was all about: “Do this! Do that! You must not do this! You must not do that!” As a result, people grew distant from God. That is the old way. That was the nature of faith for the Israelites who served God before Jesus came. Because of this, when you think about the Old Testament, you might misunderstand God as someone terrifying, overbearing, and controlling. But this is a complete misunderstanding.

That is why Jesus came to this earth—to reveal the true nature of God. The God Jesus showed us did not demand, “Hey! You must change!” just to meet His standards. Instead, He became a human being Himself and humbled Himself to our level. He even died for us, paying the full price for our sins. Furthermore, He gives us the strength to live rightly by sending us the Holy Spirit. He made it possible for us to have a personal relationship with God. When we realize how great the things God has done for us are, we become so overwhelmed with gratitude that we confess, “Lord, I love You.” We draw close to the Lord because we love Him. So, when something happens, we pray to Him. Prayer isn’t something we do simply because we are “supposed to”; it’s about pouring out our hearts to the One we love.

Furthermore, He does not scold us. He doesn’t say, “Hey, you foolish person! You don’t even know that?” Instead, He gives us wisdom. When we ask for wisdom, He gives it generously without finding fault. He doesn’t call us “You fool,” but simply provides the wisdom we need. That is why we can come before Him at any time and in any circumstance.

Therefore, those who truly know God cannot help but love Him. As I mentioned earlier, there are two ways God deals with people. Because some people introduce God in the “old way” without fully understanding Jesus, there is room for misunderstanding. But I tell you, that is a misconception. God does not approach us in that manner.

Then, what is it that God desires now? He wants us to love one another. God loved us first, and now He wants us to accept that love. He desires this unified relationship with us; He isn’t saying, “Stand straight before God! Speak properly before God!” God wants you to enjoy all the beautiful and good things He provides. I bless you in the name of Jesus to meet such a God and to surely receive the gifts He bestows upon you.

God our Father, we thank You for sending Jesus to us so that we may truly know You. We thank You that You humbled Yourself first and sacrificed Yourself for us, bringing us into this close relationship with You. Please help each of us to respond to Your love. With gratitude, we pray in the name of Jesus, Amen.